No one wants to watch TV while they pump gas. No one wants a car wash. Maybe there are still three or four people left on this earth who clean their windows, but that’s not as important as the ‘convenience’ upgrade I’m about to suggest that will make your gas station truckloads of extra money.

Make your gas pumps faster.

This is Buffalo and it’s about to get really, really cold. For the last six months, no one thought much about pumping gas. We’d pull in, throw our card in the slot, pay way too much, fill up, then leave. Now that the air is going to hurt our skin, we want that gas to come out of your pump as fast as possible.


Stop wasting money on TVs that blast the latest, worthless news brought to you by Cheddar. Stop upgrading your coffee. When I buy coffee from a gas station, I don’t care how it tastes. I just want the caffeine.

You want to know what ruins my life, gas station owner? When I’m standing at your pump and a freezing wind coming off Lake Erie is literally freezing my bone marrow, then someone pulls up to the pump across from me and the gas I’m pumping comes out even slower. Because, for some reason, your pumps can’t handle TWO people pumping gas at the same time!

Invest your money into faster pumps! After you sink your money into faster pumps, tell people about it. I’ll help. I’ll be your biggest champion. I promise you, the moment the mercury dips below a level that’s acceptable for people to exist, folks will drive an extra mile or so to use your gas station.

Your ‘Fast Pump’ gas station will be famous. You’ll be on the news. People will tell their grandkids about you. Please make gas come out of your pumps faster so I don't lose my ears. Thank you.

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