If you’re as old as me, you remember hating Troy Aikman as he led the Dallas Cowboys to two straight Super Bowl wins over our beloved Buffalo Bills. It was not fun to watch.

Fast forward a couple of decades and here is Troy Aikman ruining our lives again - with his words. I’d actually venture to say it’s his lack of words that is torturing us. Troy Aikman is the color commentator for football games on Fox and he’s terrible at it.

When Troy Aikman talks, I want to grab a hot pan out of my oven and press it up against my ears so I can’t hear anymore. The fact that Troy Aikman gets paid to announce football games when literally any other human being would be better at it than him amazes me.

Why does Troy Aikman have his job? Why has Troy Aikman had his job for years? I don’t actually believe that there is a portion of America clamoring for the opinions of a man who says absolutely nothing in a completely monotone voice. There might be people who don’t notice Troy Aikman talking. There might be people who are able to tune him out. There might be Dallas Cowboy fans who like Troy Aikman from his playing days so they’ve convinced themselves that he’s not the audio equivalent of bare feet stepping in wet mud. But there are zero people who listen to him add nothing to a broadcast and say, “Gee, Troy. That’s a great point.”

Last night Troy Aikman said that the Patriots were set at quarterback for the next 15-18 years because of rookie Mac Jones. That’s like watching a baby take his first steps and saying the baby is destined to win Olympic Gold in the 400 meter relay. Almost zero quarterbacks are good for 15-18 years. Even Jim Kelly’s NFL career only lasted 11 years.

No one likes hearing Troy Aikman talk. When Troy Aikman gets food from a drive-thru window, the workers fall asleep half-way through his order so he has to park his car and go in to see what’s taking so long. If Troy Aikman was picked as the guy who yelled, “Gentlemen start your engines!” before the Indy 500, the drivers would suddenly not feel like racing.

Troy Aikman is completely uninteresting. He’s a color commentator who adds no color. He’s like a painter who holds his brush back from a canvas and says, “white will do.” If Troy Aikman had to describe the opening scene of ‘Saving Private Ryan’, he’d say, “There was a lot going on, and I’ll just leave it at that.” If Troy Aikman gave a wedding toast, he’d say, “Love can happen under the right circumstances and a lot of people have had that happen so let’s raise our glass to the point where our glass is slightly higher than the current point it’s at now.”  If a pack of snarling wolves were running at Troy Aikman in the woods, he’d proclaim, “You gotta hand it to these wolves. They seemed focused and determined.”

I’d rather Fox play the sound of a cat screaming instead of letting Troy Aikman talk. Just continuous moments of Joe Buck describing a play, then pressing a button to unleash the sound of a cat for 8 seconds. Instead of letting Troy Aikman talk, they should give airtime to a flat earther. Rather than let Troy Aikman ruin football games with his nothingness, they should play different parts of Starship’s ‘We Built This City.’ That’s how much I hate Troy Aikman as an announcer.

He’s probably a nice guy.

 

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