Congratulations Buffalo, New York: The Best At Driving The Worst

Here’s to you, Buffalo and Western New York drivers!  We’re definitively the best at driving the worst. It’s an honor we defend each and every year, but we defend it the most during the holiday season. 

Other places around the country are trying to catch us. Cellphones, smart displays, and the failing education system make drivers more distracted, ignorant, and impatient than ever. It’s the movie "Idiocracy" growing more true by the year.  But, when it comes to Buffalo and Western New York drivers, we won’t let them catch us, will we?  

In a city and community that should never have traffic due to its major, multiple highways and roads, combined with a dwindling population, we find a way. That’s because we’re special. It takes a lot of work to be the best at driving the worst. Many don't ask: how do we do it? Well, here's a few pro tips: 

5 Pro Tips for Driving Terribly, According to Buffalo, New York

1. Let’s start with turn signals. Use them? No. No, that’s inefficient, and it’s no one’s business where you are turning. That’s private information. When someone almost hits you because you were getting over but didn’t use a turn signal, that’s that other guy’s fault. Merge freely without the burdens of laws, the exertion of flicking a finger to turn on that pesky turn signal, or the invasion of privacy that is telling people where you are going.   

2. Parking lots, aka the Coliseum, are a treat where survival of the fittest is the law. Ignore all designated driveways and instead drive across the parking spaces. Be sure to almost hit people who are moving in the proper ways. A good way to make sure you do this is by using parked cars like a game of peekaboo while driving across the parking lot spaces. Pedestrians? Ignore them and the commie laws that protect them. Do not yield to crosswalks; keep going. Speaking of, the pedestrians themselves are true gladiators looking for combat as they ignore all crosswalks, meander in the middle of driveways, and take the longest possible route to cross a road... It’s beautiful. 

3. Buffalo drivers get where they are going faster than anyone because speed limits are simply ignored. Another commie law that is simply holding you back. 55 MPH? Please. 75 MPH, minimum. On all roads. Western New Yorkers make it so that anyone trying to go the speed limit is actually a danger. That's how we sort through the weak and stupid. Test the limits of your car's engine. Why else would they have those bigger numbers on the speed meter thing? Obviously, to see if you can get to them. Don't let fear of breaking some "law" dictate you. You can't live life in fear, and we don't, do we, Western New York? 

4. By the way, those traffic jams caused by people driving “recklessly” while on their cell phones? That person is an idiot and not you. You’re perfect. They are the problem. Definitely slow down to look at the accident, though. After all, everyone else did, and now it’s your turn, even though these idiots are holding you up and should stop that. 

5. Yield signs are not real. They are fake, just like birds. 

Thank you, Buffalo and Western New York drivers, for showing everyone the right way to drive. We set the bar every single year. Let’s make sure New Jersey drivers never catch us. 

This work of sarcasm was written by Pat McMahon, who you can hear on 92,9 WBUF, Buffalo’s Real Rock, weekdays from 10 am to 3 pm. Yell at him here: Pat@WBUF.com 

Now calm down and look at Josh Allen holding puppies. Go Bills.