I am aware that nothing is more lame than someone complaining about something on the internet. Trust me, nobody hates me more than me. That’s why I’m not complaining. I’m letting you know that I incurred a $35 late fee for a parking ticket in the city of Buffalo because it took 30 full days for the system to process my payment and it’s the greatest injustice in the history of the universe. (Editor’s note: this is far from the greatest injustice in the history of the universe)

My story is not at all interesting.

I got a parking ticket the night of November 4th, 2021. My wife and I were seeing some rock and roll music at Nietzsche’s, and while I did not knowingly park illegally, I did. My wife said, “Are you sure you can park here?” and I said, “Yeah, I don’t see a sign and there’s tons of cars parked here.” and she said, “Are you sure?” and I said, “Sure.”

I promise you I will never be able to park another car for the rest of my life without being reminded of this conversation.

I mailed the ticket and payment the very next day, on November 5th, 2021. The Buffalo Division of Parking Enforcement told me that the payment was postmarked December 8th, 2021. DECEMBER 8TH!

Again, it’s not an interesting story.

The story of how it took a ticket with a check enclosed one full month to travel from the mailbox outside of the Wegmans on Niagara Falls Blvd to our architecturally beautiful City Hall is an absolute miracle.

From what I can gather, the mail carrier was attacked by rabid feral hogs. Tons of rabid feral hogs tackled and pulled this poor postal employee to the ground and it is only by incredible fortune that my ticket did not get damaged in that encounter. The mail carrier was brought to the hospital, treated, and made a full recovery. This delayed my ticket getting to City Hall by two weeks.

Upon arrival at City Hall, the mail bag containing my ticket was stolen by teens! No-good punks made off with my ticket on their skateboards and took it down to the docks. While there, they smoked marijuana cigarettes and made fun of my license plate number. Luckily, a brave city employee tracked and chased the teens down. It took a week and a half to find their hideout. These juvenile delinquents apologized for their crimes and have since turned their lives around.

The rest of the time, the ticket had to go through a bunch of processing, or something. That’s why it took my ticket so long to get to City Hall and that’s why I got a $35 penalty.

Again, I’m not complaining. This isn’t a complaint. I’m just taking some time to tell you about how I’m going to chain myself to the doors of City Hall and die on a hunger strike before paying the late fee for this ticket. I’m going to run for Mayor of Buffalo on a ‘No More Parking Tickets’ ticket. I’m going to scowl at every person I walk by just in case they're responsible for the bureaucratic system of Parking Violations.

According to Google Maps, it would take me 4 hours and 56 minutes to walk from my home in the suburbs to Buffalo City Hall. If you want to cheat death, mail yourself from the Wegmans on the Boulevard to Buffalo City Hall - you’ll never age. Time slows to a trickle. It’s like the opposite of the water planet from ‘Interstellar’.


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